Balancing precariously on a tightrope.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" asked Alice.
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.

I'm here, right now. Stranded in a place I don't quite know yet, much less come up with a name for it. I'm on that ephemeral platform, waiting for the train that never quite took of in the direction I thought I would be heading. Life is funny that way. Plans change, never to be set in stone, and bad news never had good timing.

In retrospect, I can't blame myself for it all. Growing up in a culture where grades meant everything and born with the need to conform, I did. I studied to stay ahead with my peers. I scored. And it took me 16 years of my life to figure out that maybe it  wasn't all its cracked up to be. Now, all those times spent waking up at those ridiculous hours to mug those books, seems frivolous in some way, reduced to a measly piece of paper that lies in a paper bag on my bedroom floor.

Graduation, only slightly more than 3 months ago, seems like a hazy, distant memory from another life. The feeling of graduation is a mixed one. I suppose I always imagined I'd feel a bit more of a sense of accomplishment. Feelings are tinged with a slight regret, having not turned out to be that great, well-read scholar that our society looks upon. Having said that, I do take some pride in braving those 9am lectures with my saving grace cup of coffee and sitting through 3 hour exams with questions that still confound me. The dream of that fille walking down the prestigious halls of Ivy League universities has been reduced to just that, a dream. But hey, it's still a dream. And one day, maybe.

I suppose, if I am being truly honest with myself, I did expect more from the University that enthralled so many young prospective scholars like myself. I expected I would love to spend my time on the vast lawns, under trees, revising my notes before lectures. I did to a certain extent enjoy my time spent on the hundred and fifty year old campus grounds but quickly got caught up with the life outside the four walls of tutorial rooms and lecture halls. My deepest friendships were formed outside those walls, lessons I will retain for life came by chance from interacting with the people around me. Though I did meet tutors that captivated my attention in classes, they were few and far in between those that did not. For those significant few, I am grateful for.

So as I wait for the winds of change to blow me in the right direction, I am taking this time to truly reflect on where I want to be. Somehow, I'm determined to find that sense of accomplishment that I feel is worthy to boast about. Though the academic pursuits of my life have left me without a clear direction, I have to give special mention that I have been happy with my time spent in the land down under.

For all my rantings and fickle mindedness, I have to admit that Melbourne has changed me for the better. People have commended on it! And I concur with that. It has led me to opportunities I would never have dreamed of, crossing paths with people I never thought imaginable. I think at least this deserves a pat on the back.

Work currently takes up part of my time here. Having difficulty finding a relevant full time job is beginning to take its toll as my over ambitious self tries to succeed on her own without the plan B of daddy's pocket. And sometimes, temptation kicks in and I find myself straying from my initial plan just because the other road is so much easier to take. Its hard and I fight it everyday to keep myself in check.

For all its worth, if I have to eventually hail back from where I came from, I will not be disappointed. Being over protected at home has made me appreciate the discipline and independence I have gained by living by myself for the past few years. And until I decide what I really want in this temporary life on earth, I will continue to be thankful for every little blessing or disappointment that comes my way.

"I don’t much care where--" said Alice.

"Then it doesn’t matter which way you go," said the Cat.

"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.

"Oh, you’re sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

- Alice's  Adventures in Wonderland