On slowing down and childhood ambitions

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

You know, I can't remember the last time I didn't feel like I needed and wanted to grow up. I suppose, partly being my fault, I never gave much thought to the decisions I had to make when I eventually come to that proverbial crossroad. Somehow, being 22 seems like a herculean task already. However, right now, I feel as if I never had enough time on my playground. During my quieter days here in Melbourne, when work and social gatherings have not sucked up my time, I'm left with my myriad thoughts, each one bouncing off the other at a speed I can't quite follow yet alone catch up to- trying to steal as much room in my head as it can possibly attain.

And in all honesty, I've never been capable of compartmentalizing my thoughts and prioritising them. Somehow or rather, each passing thought would make its judicial stand, put its best foot forward and dominate my brain space to no extent. I'd usually find that as soon as one finishes, another seemingly bright idea plonks down, sometimes even pushing its way in, mid-thought. By the end of the day, I'm usually left with a convoluted mess of ideas and mixed feelings, never quite sure what was the last significant cogitation. I might  get these bombard of ideas sporadically, but when it decides to charge in, I eventually hoist my white flag, signalling a sound defeat.

Among one of the many lazy afternoons with just my thoughts to keep me company, I remember thinking how life is notoriously peculiar - never going in the direction you thought it would. Plans get derailed and young dreams that seem so possible way back then are now somehow laced with a tinge of regret and reduced to somewhat wishful thinking. I vividly remember a time when I was a young primary school student of 12 and we were asked in one of the many 'motivational' seminars to list our 3 ambitions or 'cita-cita'. Back then, we weren't encouraged to think outside of the box. Ambition during that time to a young, impressionable kid was what you wanted to be when you grew up. And lo and behold, its not a surprise even to me now that I would almost always instantaneously jot down: 1)Doctor, 2)Lawyer, 3)Teacher.

Not that those speakers ever gave even a second glance at my ambitions on paper. They would never encourage you to do otherwise anyway. If I had known back then, I would have written:

1)Write a book
2)Find a cure for cancer
3)Make a difference in someones life

But well, thats for another blog post (hopefully!). I digress. As always. Anyway, what I wanted to get to was that I distinctively remember this one significant time out of the numerous 'forms' I filled out that I actually wrote: 1) Journalist, 2)Doctor, 3)Lawyer. Surprised? For the life of me, I can't remember what was my motivation back then to even think of it. And mind you, I tried to write journalist in the Malay language. I've scratched my head long enough with fingernails that are a little too long but I really have not even a semblance of memory where my inspired self came up with wanting to be a journalist.

My point is, back then, becoming a journalist was possible. It was not a childish dream of sorts. I remember being inspired to write, to impart my words of wisdom for the world to marvel at (whatever few words I could conjur up, keke), my dreams tethered to the foundations of my life at the time. And then, like everything else, reality reveals its sometimes unwanted head. People tell you that journalists don't earn money, that being an esteemed doctor would. And on and on. Thinking about it now, I can't blame myself for giving up so easily on those whimsical dreams. It wasn't hard at the time, being easily swayed.

I often wonder what had happened if I had not been so naive to a certain extent and chased that dream. Maybe, just maybe, I could be a writer now :) I am not going to say that I would never be able to become one though. Life has dealt me a deck of colourful cards, each with its own story to tell. Who would have thought that a girl who once dreamed of being a writer ended being a finance graduate who is now working as a receptionist and dental nurse. I have been a teacher and even done voice overs before.Yup, you read that right. It is funny how many different roads I have experimented with. Jack of all trades, master of none? Heh. I'm quite amazed myself.

While I sometimes muse and charge myself for not sticking to childhood dreams of becoming a writer, I find some reprieve in writing here on this blank canvas that is my blog. Its something I can do for now while I thread on vicious waters that come in the form of haughty immigration rules and companies that won't give this fille a break or five just because she doesn't have her permanent residency. Sometimes, it can be so hard to maintain a blithe nature amidst the heaps of rejection emails that I can now donate in every format you wish.

As I am writing this, a million things are running through my mind. They vary from what to wear to work tomorrow, dinner on Sunday with the girls, how much weight I have gained, apply for jobs!, catch up with a good friend.....the list is endless and extensive to say the least. It's exhausting. I rest my case.